Shepherd’s Peppers

Ever wanted to make Shepherd’s Pie but need it portion sized so you do not eat it all in one sitting? Or more likely, and how I invented this recipe, do you have bell peppers you need to use up but are too lazy to do more than just cut them in half. Have no fear! Those bell peppers can serve the dual purpose of being an edible bowl and providing portion control in this simple recipe for Shepherd’s Peppers.

 

Don’t have peppers and give no shits about potion control? Well lucky for you, just make this recipe in a baking dish and enjoy a normal Shepherd’s Pie. Now let’s get started.

Ingredients:

• 4 potatoes
• 1 cup TVP or package of vegan beef crumbles
• Frozen vegetables (peas and carrot mix is my favorite)
• 1 can Rotel tomatoes
• Dairy-free milk
• Vegan butter or margarine
• Flour
• 2 tsp Herbs de provence or oregano
• Garlic Powder
• Salt
• Pepper
• Bell peppers

First step is make mashed potatoes. I am so lazy I have found a way to make mashed potatoes without peeling a single potato or even using a masher. So for those of you that haven’t brushed your teeth in over twelve hours, and/or have not changed clothes in five days, here is the recipe for you!

The Laziest Mashed Potatoes in History

1. Take four potatoes and wash each of them.
2. Cut a slit in the potatoes going around the entire center of them. This slit should be only 1/4 inch deep and can technically be on any part of the potato as long as it goes all the way around.
3. Cover the potatoes in water in a large pot and bring water to a boil. Boil for 40 minutes.
4. Drain potatoes by keeping the potatoes in the pot and just pouring out all the water.
5. Mash the potatoes with a fork, or a masher if you a privileged enough to own one.
6. To make mashing easier, and make the potatoes delicious, add at least 4 tablespoons of vegan butter or margarine and 1/2 cup of non-dairy milk.  Stir this into the potatoes. Add additional butter and milk until the potatoes are your preferred level of creaminess.
7. Season potatoes with a lot of garlic powder! I have yet to add too much garlic powder. The more the better, but it is all based on your taste preferences. I also season with salt and pepper. Just keep tasting the potatoes until they are the flavor you want. Feeling spicy? Through some cayenne or red pepper flakes in there too. Get wild.
8. Now set aside potatoes and let’s make the Shepherd’s Pie filling

Shepherd’s Pie Filling

1. I use TVP because it is 1/3 the price of vegan beef crumbles and is pantry stable. You can purchase it on Amazon, at a grocery store (although each grocery store puts it in a different aisle), or in the bulk section of some places like Whole Foods. So if using TVP measure out a cup into a large mixing bowl and hydrate it in 1 cup of warm water. Too lazy to wait for water to be warm? Use any temperature water, let it sit for a bit, and then microwave it for a minute at a time until the water is absorbed.
   *If you are one of those privileged people that used a masher for your potatoes, maybe you are rich enough to afford vegan beef crumbles too. For you, just let the crumbles thaw and dump in a large mixing bowl.
2. Add your favorite frozen veggies like green peas and carrots. I add about 4 oz. of frozen vegetables to this mix. Have an onion rotting away in the fridge? You can add that in too if you want. Any veggie will work and this is a great way to cook items that are close to spoiling.
3. Dump 1 can of Rotel tomatoes in and stir everything together.
4. If using TVP add at least 1 tablespoon of soy sauce for some salt and umami.
5. Season with about 2 tsp. herbs de provence. Woah! That got fancy real quick! Don’t have that? I hope you have oregano. Just use that.
6. Add 2 tablespoons of flour and stir so the flour is evenly coating everything. I never even measure the flour at this step. Just keep adding until everything in your mixing bowl has flour on it.
7. Season with salt. Hopefully you know how salty you like things. Sometimes I do not even add salt and let the mashed potatoes provide all the salt content.

Assemble the Shepherd’s Peppers

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees Fahrenheit.
2. Cut bell peppers in half and remove the stem and seeds with your hands.
3. Optional: bake peppers for 10 minutes. I like my peppers soft when the recipe is complete. If you want them to be crunchy and maintain their shape better don’t worry about this step.
4. Scoop filling into the peppers until the pepper is full.
5. Scoop mashed potatoes on top of filling. Go crazy because the potatoes are the best part.
6. Bake for 20 minutes. Guess what, you also could just eat it now. Technically it is vegan so if you are starving save one as an appetizer. It definitely tastes better baked though.
7. Let cool and garnish with some green stuff like parsley, cilantro, spinach, or kale.
8. Store leftover filling and mashed potatoes in fridge for later. You can eat each on its own, assemble a small shepherd’s pie, or put it on top of tater tots and bake because that’s what I always do in doubt.

Hope y’all enjoy this recipe! It is easy to make, inexpensive, and uses a lot of ingredients readily available during a global pandemic.

 

 

 

 

 

Burrito Bowl Surprise

I love when my friends leave town and cannot finish all of their groceries. Often they will donate their remaining produce to me. Then I have discounted lunch for the week!

My go to options for cooking random produce items are either making a casserole or making a rice bowl.  In this case, the ingredients I acquired screamed Burrito Bowl Surprise!

This was the free produce I received:

• Mango
• Avocado
• Hummus
• Tomatoes
• Red Onion

This is what I needed to purchase/already had in my pantry to complete the meal:

• Brown rice
• Quinoa
• Cilantro
• Pinto beans
• Black beans
• Jalapeno

How did this all become Burrito Bowl Surprise?

1. In a rice cooker (or on the stove top if your boyfriend did not buy you the prettiest pink rice cooker you ever did see) add 2/3 cup quinoa and 1/3 cup brown rice.  I really like mixing quinoa with brown rice for varied texture and pretty points, but you can make oatmeal for all I care. You just need some grain base.
2. Next dice up the tomatoes, mango, and red onion.  If your friend gave you different vegetables dice those up instead.  This can easily have a Mediterranean vibe with carrots and broccoli or an Asian influence with Bok Choy and green beans.  Whatever your friend gave you, cut it up and mix it together.
3. I added to these diced veggies a can of black beans and a can of pinto beans for protein.  You could easily substitute this for tofu, lentils, or another legume.
4. For spice, I diced up a jalapeno and added this to my diced veggies and stirred everything thoroughly.  At this point you can also add your favorite seasonings like salt, pepper, cumin, coriander, or maybe even a salad dressing.
5. Once the rice was finished cooking I stirred in cilantro.  This gives the illusion that you are eating a meal from Chipotle. I regularly buy $0.38 cilantro and add it to meals just to pretend I am eating something really fancy and expensive. Mind over matter is a powerful tool for eating on a budget.
6. Finally divide your veggies and rice into different Tupperware so you can tell all of your friends that you meal prepped. All of a sudden everyone will think your life is on the right track, and maybe you will even believe it a little yourself.
7. Add some pizzazz! Pretend like this is going on Instagram, or at bare minimum you want to impress your mom and show her you are surviving on your own. I added some slices of avocado, and a scoop of hummus for both creaminess and the hashtags. Do you understand how Insta famous avocados and hummus are?!
8. Enjoy and make all of your lunch friends jealous. Look at all of those colors! You must be eating every vitamin under the sun because your lunch looks like a rainbow!

I hope you all use this tip for veggies that are about to be expired, easy lunch ideas, or for free food you get and can reinvent into meals for the week.

Sometimes your friends buy strange things, so if you have difficulty coming up with a cohesive dish, message me and we can brain storm your Veggie Bowl Surprise!

 

I Love Lactose Intolerant People

Omnivores sometimes ask if they can eat meat around me.  Of course I wish they would not, but if they do it is ok.  When I see people consume dairy, however, I want to puke.  Dairy is the most revolting thing to witness people consume.  Ice cream cones look like crunchy vessels filled with pus, bacteria, and a mother’s milk that never reached their offspring.  So when I meet lactose intolerant people I am happy I never have to witness them butter bread, eat a sundae, or *holding back vomit* drink a glass of whole milk.

Why do I hate milk so much?  It literally makes absolutely zero sense why humans consume milk after infancy.  In fact, humans are the only mammal to consume milk after infancy.  Furthermore, IT IS NOT EVEN OUR OWN SPECIE’S MILK! When you think about what milk really is, it is disgusting to think that it is used to feed humans.

So from just a scientific perspective the reason mammals lactate is to feed and grow their offspring.  Humans lactate to provide the proper nutrition to their babies.  This is exactly the same for mammals.  Cows, cats, dogs, goats, and all mammals produce milk to nourish their offspring.  Despite what children’s books make you believe, cows do not just magically produce milk all the time.  A cow, just like a human, must give birth to produce milk.  So why do cows have milk all the time? How do dairy farms work?

Cows are artificially inseminated to continually get pregnant, give birth, and produce milk.  Ok…so what happens to the calves?  Didn’t the cows give birth to something? Maybe you have heard of a form of meat called veal.  That is where the calves go.  They are taken away from their mothers and raised for meat.  That is why humans can collect all the mother’s milk for human consumption and then repeat the process.  So when people tell you that  cows need to be milked by humans because they are in pain  you should reply with,”Well why are the calves not milking the cows?  Isn’t that why the cow produced milk in the first place?” Then the omnivore will have no rational response and you can tell them to enjoy their veal meatballs which came from an animal that was deprived of the chance to be nourished by their mother.

So if cruelty to animals does not bother you, and you still want a milkshake how about I tell you the conditions these dairy cows live in.  First, the cows are not kept in clean conditions.  Typically they are standing in their own feces.  Well that’s not bad. In fact, people pay to put manure in their gardens.  Well it is one thing to feed plants nutrients, and another thing for a mammal to be in direct contact with their own waste.  We change baby diapers for a reason!  That reason is because the acidity of mammal waste can burn skin.  So most dairy cows have open wounds and infections from manure fumes.  Ok, so how does this affect cheese? Because cheese is too good to not eat.  Well not all of that blood, pus, and bacteria gets filtered out of the milk.  So enjoy your burger with a pus slice if cheese means that much to you.  And if the cruelty to animals, the irrational norm of consuming milk from a different species, and the pus contamination in the milk supply do not stop you from eating cheese, cooking with butter, and licking ice cream, then watch Dominion and get a healthy dose of reality.

So back to lactose intolerant people. They are some of the real MVPs in the vegan movement.  While I choose not to consume dairy, my body will not have a negative reaction from dairy.  Fortunately, for a growing amount of people around the world, they have extremely negative effects from dairy consumption! This makes sense because humans are not meant to consume dairy after their mother stops producing milk.  The benefit of this is more places have to very carefully label what products contain dairy. Some places even provide a dairy free alternative!

Protip: If you go somewhere and want to ensure that there will not be dairy in whatever you order, tell them you are lactose intolerant.  Sometimes people do not take vegan seriously (mainly because they think you are just asking about gluten free options or maybe do not know the distinction between vegetarian).  But they sure as hell take allergies seriously so you will safely avoid dairy.

In conclusion make lots of lactose intolerant friends! Show them the dairy free alternatives and share vegan knowledge with them.  They already cannot eat cheese, which is usually the hardest food for people to give, so their road to veganism is just around the corner.

Poor Man’s Low Mein

Once again, this may not be any cheaper than normal lo mein, but you can make it quickly in the microwave for one or two people.  In this case I made it for myself.

Ingredients:

1. Any pasta, but I used Chinese Noodles.  They are literally called Chinese Noodles (see image below).  They are super cheap and much healthier than ramen noodles.
2. Peanut butter.  Crunchy, smooth, or even all natural from the nut grinder in the grocery store.  It does not matter as long as you think it tastes good right off the spoon.
3. Soy sauce.  Once again you can use anything from liquid aminos to stolen soy sauce packets at the sushi counter in the grocery store.  It does not matter as long as it is dark brown and salty.
4. Sriracha.  If you do not like spicy food you could omit this, but if sriracha is too spicy for you I recommend you getting out more.  I bet you have a vitamin D deficiency too.
5. Rice vinegar.  Or any vinegar should work.  Even a bit of lemon juice.  This ingredient is extremely optional.  It simply adds complexity to the sauce flavor, and you feel a little fancy when adding an extra ingredient that is normally in the house anyways.
6. Frozen vegetables.  Everyone should have at least two bags of frozen vegetables in their freezer at all times.  They are versatile and never go bad.  I once again used the “Vegetable Medley” blend by HEB which costs 79 cents and steams in the bag in 5 minutes!  Does it possibly get better than that?

Instructions:

1. Put the “steam in bag” frozen veggies in the microwave for 5 minutes.  If you did not purchase “steam in bag” veggies, put them in the microwave anyways for 7-8.  Just put a plate underneath the vegetable bag in case of leaking.
2. Put the amount of pasta you want to eat in a microwave safe bowl.  For a single portion I usually imagine the amount of pasta found in “Easy Mac” and replicate it.  The worst case scenario is you make too much pasta and have leftovers.  In other words, the stakes are low for picking the perfect pasta quantity to boil.
3. Add tap water to the bowl of pasta. I add enough tap water so all pasta is submerged in water.  I also like my water level to be half an inch above the pasta.
4. Once vegetables are done steaming, take out of the microwave replace with the pasta bowl.  Microwave for 2 minutes uncovered.
5. Keep an eye on the pasta because sometimes the water will overflow.  When you see the water beginning to bubble over, stop the microwave, stir, and place back in for two minutes or until pasta is fully cooked.  In my experience, in no more than 5 minutes a single serving of pasta should be fully cooked.
6. If there is excess water after pasta is cooked pour water into the sink.  I put my hand over the bowl to make sure none of the pasta falls out.  When you become an expert in this recipe, you will know how much water to add so the pasta is cooked, and no water is left behind.
7. Add desired amount of frozen vegetables to the bowl of pasta and stir.
8. Add the peanut butter, soy sauce, sriracha, and rice vinegar to the pasta bowl to taste.  I usually start with 1 spoonful peanut butter, 1 cap-full of soy sauce, a generous amount of sriracha, and 1/2 tsp rice vinegar.  If you want more fat increase the peanut butter, more salt increase the soy sauce, more spice increase the sriracha, and more acid increase the vinegar.

 

Btay avon!! Hope you can make this when you are either poor, lazy, need to go grocery shopping and have nothing to eat, or because you love this recipe and want to eat a delicious vegan meal.

My chinese noodles and the finished Poor Man’s  Lo Mein.

Who ate the last of the lox?

If you are Jewish, the word “brunch” is a concise way of saying, “Let’s load up this bagel with lox and schmear, and then wash it down with some fruit of the vine.”  Well then how do Jewish vegans brunch? No kvetching, it is easy! Especially if you “carrot all” about animals.

So just to reiterate how important lox (aka: smoked salmon or nova scotia) are to a Jewish brunch, my mother will buy enough smoked salmon so each person in attendance could make two bagel sandwiches with the amount of fish on the platter.  I was raised learning that smoked salmon was a status symbol at brunch.  Lox are not cheap, and having an excess at your party tells your guests that you no one will be kvetching over who took the last of the lox.  But from the vegan perspective, how is dead animal consumption ever impressive? Does this mean I can never host a Jewish brunch? Of course not!

This is why I will share my tried and true recipe for Carrot Lox.  I love this recipe because carrots are dirt cheap, you can easily make an excess to keep your status symbol in the Jewish community intact, and no one at your party has to worry about consuming mercury or under cooked fish.

Ingredients:

• Carrots. I purchase the five pound bag of carrots available in the produce section. Carrots are so cheap and I use them for many recipes
• 2 Tablespoons Soy Sauce or anything resembling soy sauce.  If you want a gluten free option obviously use tamari.  If you are better than thou use liquid aminos.  It all tastes the same to me and just varies in price.
• 2 Teaspoons Liquid Smoke.  If you have never used liquid smoke before you now have a new seasoning best friend.  I add this to split pea soup, chili, and anything I want to have a ham flavor
• 2 Teaspoons Kelp Powder.  This is available in the bulk section of Central Market for dirt cheap.  It is also available at Whole Foods for significantly more money.  So try to find it in the bulk section of your nearest grocery store, otherwise try Amazon or Whole Foods.

Instructions:

1.  Wash 6 carrots and let them air dry during step 2.  I am very aware that carrots come in different sizes.  I try to pick 6 long and thick carrots.  Sometimes I use 8 skinny carrots, and sometimes I use 4 obese carrots.  The more you make this recipe the more you will learn what carrot size and quantity you want to work with.
2. In a large mixing bowl add 2 T soy sauce, 2 tsp. liquid smoke, and 2 tsp. kelp powder.  If the kelp powder you acquired is actually kelp seasoning add kelp until you can smell something resembling a fishy scent.  Mix together with a fork.  It will be clumpy and that is ok.  No one is a professional here.
3. Peel the carrots over the mixing bowl.  Peel as much of the carrot as you can.  I save what I cannot peel and either make carrot sticks or dice it up for chickpea salad.
4. Stir the carrots so each carrot ribbon is coated in the marinade.
5. Let the carrots soak in the marinade for at least half an hour.  The longer the better.
6. When ready to cook the carrots, preheat oven to 400 degrees Fahrenheit.
7. Line a baking sheet with aluminum foil and grease it.
8. Add the carrots to the baking sheet. Try to spread the carrots out as much as possible but do not kill yourself untangling carrot ribbons.  You just want a flattish layer so the carrots cook evenly.
9. If there is extra marinade in the mixing bowl pour that on top of the carrots.
10. Put a layer of aluminum foil over the carrots.  This keeps the carrots moist during baking.
11. Put carrots in the oven for 20 minutes.
12. When carrots come out you want to check if they are soft.  Biting into them should not make a crunching sound.  If not soft enough, put carrots back in for ten minute increments until they are no longer crunchy.  Also, sometimes carrots are jerks and do not absorb the  marinade well.  Taste a couple carrots and if they do not taste like smoked fish: remake the marinade, pour on top of the carrots, stir on the baking sheet, and cook another twenty minutes.  My boyfriend invented this fail proof remedy.
13. Let cool and then you have smoked salmon that everyone will enjoy!

How do I serve my smoked salmon?

• For Jewish Brunch: with an everything bagel, vegan cream cheese, red onion, and capers
• For a party appetizer: cut up slices of a baguette and then cut those slices in half. Spread each slice with cream cheese. Top with smoked salmon, red onion sliver, and tiny bit of any green seasoning you have on hand. have used everything from kale chips, diced spinach, parsley leaf, and cilantro leaf.  You just want to show off the pretty colors and for everyone to think you are a grand master chef.
• Fancy toast: toast up whatever type of bread you have in your house, spread whatever schmear you have around on it (vegan cream cheese, butter, avocado, hummus) and top with salmon.

Btayavon readers!

If you have the smoked salmon on a platter, do not forget to include a food label because no one will have any idea what it is.  Also emphasize the fact that it is vegan for bonus points.

Poor Man’s Risotto

I do not think risotto is actually expensive, but I know this recipe is cheap, easy, and pairs well with two buck chuck red wine.

Ingredients:

• Any rice.  I used brown rice
• Seasonings.  I used Vegebase which is AMAZING!  I highly recommend the investment.  But any seasoning you have available that makes you think of Italy works.
• Frozen vegetables.  I used HEB mixed vegetable blend but literally any frozen vegetable package will work.  Bonus points if it is a “steam in bag” frozen vegetable variety.
• Vegan cheese.  This ingredient is optional but definitely helps with the gooey effect. I used two week expired mozzarella that was surprisingly not moldy.
• Vegan ricotta.  I used Tofutti brand.  It has yet to expire and is a nice thing to keep in the fridge for creaminess in an instant.

Instructions:

1.  Measure out rice and put in rice cooker or pot for cooking rice. For one portion use 1/4 cup.  If cooking for more than one person or if you want leftovers use any measurement that is greater than 1/4 cup.
2. Wash rice.  Do not skip this step!  I add water to the rice, stir it, and pour out the water.  I repeat this step twice.
3. Add seasonings to the rice.  I dumped an unknown amount of Vegebase into my rice.  You can add whatever seasonings taste good to you.  Eyeball it or add 1 tsp of each seasoning you want.  This step has a lot of room for creativity and experimentation.
4. Add water and cook rice based on packaging instructions.  If the package does not have instructions than Google your rice grain and how to cook it.
5. Microwave frozen vegetables.  For the “steam in bag” vegetables, follow instructions on the package.  For other frozen vegetables steam in the bag anyways.  They should be cooked after 6-8 minutes.
6. Open frozen vegetable bag and pour in vegan cheese.  Stir the vegetables and cheese in the bag and let sit while the rice is cooking.  If not adding cheese then sit back and relax until your rice is finished cooking,
7. Once rice is cooked dump vegetables into rice and stir.
8. Portion out the amount of rice and vegetables you want into a bowl.
9. Add a dollop of vegan ricotta cheese to your bowl and stir.  This step turns the simple rice and veggies into an imitation risotto.
10. Add any seasonings that you may need if the final result is not as flavorful as you want.
11. Enjoy and do not forget to tell me what risotto you created!
12. Picture one is the finished product in my pink rice cooker.  Picture two is with the dollop of ricotta and drizzle of hot sauce. Btayavon!

So how vegan are you?

* Sentences I feel are important are bolded in case you do not want to read this entire post*
One thing I do not like in the vegan community is the severe judgement of other vegans.  Veganism can be broken down into tiers of devoutness, just like Judaism.

There are four categories of Jews.  First, there are the people that were born Jewish, but would rather go to church than sit through another nasally rabbi’s sermon.  I fall under this category.  By the way, did you know that most churches have free coffee? If you bring a thermos and church hop on Sunday you could have free coffee for the rest of the week!

The remaining categories of Judaism are reform, conservative, and orthodox.  I am sure a Google search could explain each sect better than I can.  The main point is that Judaism describes a broad term, but not everyone that is Jewish practices Judaism in the same way.

So what are the sects of veganism? Well, I will just highlight five types of vegans:

1.  Vegans that are only vegan for health reasons.  They still wear leather, do not care about animal testing, and emphasize the fact that they are “plant based.”
2. Vegans that eat honey.  These vegans are vegan for ethical reasons but do not think this belief extends to insects.
3. Vegans that are just trying to do the best they can.  They care about animals, eat plants, do not wear leather, buy Barnivore approved wine no matter how many hours it takes in the wine department, but still probably are not vegan enough for some people in the vegan community. 
4. Ecofriendly vegans.  They eat plant based and avoid foods with ingredients that are harmful for the environment such as palm oil, soy, GMOs,  not certified organic produce.
5. Raw or any variation of raw vegan.  These people do not cook any of their food.  I tried this to cut down on my electricity bill..and it was not worth it.

I have definitely excluded many vegan subgroups but this is a good glimpse into the variety of people that fall under the umbrella of “vegan.”

Now here is where the drama begins.  Vegans in category 3 feel the brunt of the criticism.  They are too vegan for categories 1 and 2, but not vegan enough for categories 4 and 5.  Categories 3-5 do not even call categories 1 and 2 vegan.  Category 5 thinks they are the vegan messiah.  Category 1 would rather hang out with hipster bacon eaters after the verbal abuse they get from any vegan that cares about animals.  Category 2 thinks they are saving the bee population while categories 3-5 laugh at them to their face.  But at least all vegans can agree on one thing; vegetarians are the absolute worst. 

Where does all of this hostility breed?  On social media of course.  People are harangued online for different vegan beliefs, asking questions about veganism, or even declaring their favorite alternative meat.  The online forums are unnecessarily brutal.  Vegans should not be attacking each other.  We have to save our energy for converting vegetarians!

I do not care if you are vegan one day of the week, plant based, fruitaterian, on a juice cleanse, ketovegan, or happen to just not like the taste of meat.  Stay dry and stand under the growing vegan umbrella.  If this movement is ever going to expand, we have to include everyone that is at least veg curious.  

I hope my blog can reach people of all stages of vegan.  Maybe you just want to learn if vegans are human, maybe you are a struggling college kid that just found a vegan pamphlet and want to learn more, or maybe you have been vegan for over a decade and just want to enjoy a bit of light reading.  I will not judge (even if you are vegetarian), and hope you enjoy my contribution to the vegan community.

 

 

 

Hello

Thanks for taking the time to read this first sentence.  The goal of my blog is to give you tips for living a vegan life with minimal kvetching/complaining.  While I am located in Austin, TX, I will try to give generalized advice for being vegan on a budget.  We all have 99 problems (at least), and being vegan should not be one of them.

So sit back and enjoy Vegan is so Kvetch.  If you learn one thing, chuckle in the slightest, or at least fill your reading quota of the day through my blog I will deem it a success.